Real Life Shit

It's hard to think about sex when real life shit is happening.

And Real Life Shit has been happening since James Deen's birthday. On Saturday, Feb 8^th, I was beyond excited to take my father to see Zappa plays Zappa, which is Frank Zappa's son Dweezil’s tribute band to his dad. My father Terry loves rock music and Zappa is some weird shit but I knew he would love this show since he'd never seen Zappa live so I was beyond excited to take him. But shortly after we got inside the venue, he suffered a massive heart attack before the show even started and was rushed to the hospital. For two weeks he battled to stay alive but was never able to regain consciousness or the use of his limbs. He passed on from this earth on Feb 22 and my life will never be the same. Obviously, losing my father isn't easy to write about especially since parts of my mind are still in disbelief. It's taken more time then I intended to gather my thoughts but I knew I couldn't write another blog without reflecting on this incident and how it’s impacted my life.

It might be hard to imagine but the initial impact actually happened last June. I was suddenly confronted with my inevitable mortality after suffering the loss of my brother, also named Terry. Only 42 years old, he died of an aneurysm leaving his wife & two kids brokenhearted. I think it broke my father’s heart too, losing his son & namesake. They say there's nothing worse than losing a child. It’s so traumatic we don't even have a word to describe it in the English language. At the time, I had lost other family members, but no one this close to me, and the experience made me see things differently. I began to recognize that I don’t have a lot of time on this earth. Our existence on this plane in the universe is but a mere vapor. We are literally here today and gone tomorrow. I began to question my life and that’s when I chose to move forward pursuing a career in sex. I started reaching out to others in the profession by volunteering, attending conferences & sex education classes, and then, ultimately, started writing this blog. 

My brother's death inspired me to keep my dreams of becoming a sex therapist/specialist/icon alive. Now with my father dying, I'm more determined than ever. Especially knowing my father would want me to do what makes me happy. About two weeks before the concert, I was visiting my parents and I had given my mother a copy of a blog I wrote for the organization I volunteer for. My father walked up and asked what it was and my mom said, “You’re daughter is thinking about becoming a sex educator” and I became incredibly embarrassed, of course. But my dad’s response took me by surprise. He said, “That’s good, I think that'd be great for you." Just knowing my father died aware of my true passion and was supportive of it really inspires me and confirms I'm on the right path. I have to continue to make him proud of me and nothing – NOTHING - is going to stop that from happening.

A friend described this life-altering ordeal like being hit by a train and before I could fully recover, being run over again. Even though I agree, I don’t think if I was the same person I was 3 years ago that I could have managed all this. The "soul work" I've intently focused on the last few years has prepared me for this difficult time. I feel the universe allowed my eyes to pry open and see all the things I have to be grateful for in my life. You know how you “hope” you're loved? You wonder if you “might” be loved? Well this question doesn't exist for me anymore. There’s no doubt my father loved me. He showed his love for me and my whole family every day of his life. He didn't have to say it, but I always knew it. Through the mourning of him I've been overwhelmed with love and support from family & friends. Time and time again, love has been reflected back at me. I have to admit, it’s not easy to take in this kind of love. It’s consuming, joyous, and humbling all at the same time. And I think this is because LOVE is all there truly is! It’s the thing we need, want, crave and sometimes don’t recognize or appreciate when it’s constantly surrounding us. All I want to do now is return that love to those who've continued to be there for me and then on to the whole world by continuing my mission!  

My perspective has shifted again, which for me is a good sign of growth. What’s important in life has been greatly magnified & I have major lazar beam focus on my dreams now. There's no time to waste on the frivolous. My goals are set in stone - spend time with my family, focus on my sex work and make my dad smile from heaven. My father was my teacher, my warrior and one of my best friends so I’m missing him terribly but pressing on because he taught me to be strong even when you’re hurting inside.

What I've learned and want to impress upon you is that each day on this earth is a blessing and an opportunity at getting a little closer to your dreams. Live it like it’s your last! Be happy, stay positive, follow your heart and remember - Love IS There, even if you don't see it.

Xxx & LOVE,

LaTerry  

Me & My Dad